WaterPipit of Trill
Mar. 25th, 2020 10:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ismoSo happy! This afternoon we heard the Nipper and his family tested negative. Normally, one wouldn't be happy to have a horrible cold and/or asthma, but these are not normal days. Still no word on Deb's brother. Which means he is still with us and there is still a chance.
As grateful as I am, however, this has punched my denial balloon full of multiple holes, and it deflated with a sad sighing sound. (See Strindberg and Helium at the Beach.) I am forced to confront, and reconfront, the possibility that something bad could actually happen to someone I love. I have to be realistic, but at the same time, not actually think about it so I don't collapse in a heap. A difficult balancing act, and without even a tiny pink balloon to cheerily intone "Misereeeee!" above my head. I had forgotten how much I love Strindberg and his little Helium. The Sparrowhawk and I were both feeling irritable and full of self pity today. Perhaps because we didn't sleep well and got up too early. I love to be up when the sun comes up, especially when there actually IS a sun! But it's not as much fun when I'm suffering the misery of not enough sleep. In the end we both went back to bed for a time. I hate sleeping a bright morning away, but I did feel somewhat better after a nap. Why is it always so much more comfortable and peaceful in the daytime! One is supposed to sleep at night, but that's when the demons get out.
I think one reason why this self-isolating gets on my nerves is that it's so much the opposite of what I was trying to do, before. I'm naturally a bit of a hermit, and I can't indulge this tendency, or I start to feel agoraphobic yet simultaneously trapped and restless to break out. I know this, so I've tried to carefully curate some activities that I make myself do to stay active in the world and create social habits. I worked on it earnestly! And now I'm supposed to skip all that and just stay home. And when this is over, I'll have to start all over again with the tedious forging of good habits. Bah. I can only imagine how hard this is for natural extroverts. It must feel so very wrong to them. I really admire the amount of self-discipline they must deploy to restrain themselves from interactions that feel so right but are harmful in the present crisis.
It is a luxury to have someone with whom you can commiserate and laugh over your shared follies. He made some delicious bean soup with a lovely ham bone we happened to have stashed in the freezer. I made some toasty cheese to go with it. We went for a walk before sunset and sat by the creek for awhile. We watched the "Mirror, Mirror" episode of Star Trek. I laughed because I realized I had read so many fanfics of that episode that I couldn't remember exactly how it played out in the original!
When we pre-supported CoNZealand, they gave us little chunks of greenstone to wear. I'm wearing mine today in commemoration of my dream of going there. Worldcon has declared that it will take place virtually, if at all, so I guess I won't be able to take my greenstone back to the land of its birth any time soon.
As grateful as I am, however, this has punched my denial balloon full of multiple holes, and it deflated with a sad sighing sound. (See Strindberg and Helium at the Beach.) I am forced to confront, and reconfront, the possibility that something bad could actually happen to someone I love. I have to be realistic, but at the same time, not actually think about it so I don't collapse in a heap. A difficult balancing act, and without even a tiny pink balloon to cheerily intone "Misereeeee!" above my head. I had forgotten how much I love Strindberg and his little Helium. The Sparrowhawk and I were both feeling irritable and full of self pity today. Perhaps because we didn't sleep well and got up too early. I love to be up when the sun comes up, especially when there actually IS a sun! But it's not as much fun when I'm suffering the misery of not enough sleep. In the end we both went back to bed for a time. I hate sleeping a bright morning away, but I did feel somewhat better after a nap. Why is it always so much more comfortable and peaceful in the daytime! One is supposed to sleep at night, but that's when the demons get out.
I think one reason why this self-isolating gets on my nerves is that it's so much the opposite of what I was trying to do, before. I'm naturally a bit of a hermit, and I can't indulge this tendency, or I start to feel agoraphobic yet simultaneously trapped and restless to break out. I know this, so I've tried to carefully curate some activities that I make myself do to stay active in the world and create social habits. I worked on it earnestly! And now I'm supposed to skip all that and just stay home. And when this is over, I'll have to start all over again with the tedious forging of good habits. Bah. I can only imagine how hard this is for natural extroverts. It must feel so very wrong to them. I really admire the amount of self-discipline they must deploy to restrain themselves from interactions that feel so right but are harmful in the present crisis.
It is a luxury to have someone with whom you can commiserate and laugh over your shared follies. He made some delicious bean soup with a lovely ham bone we happened to have stashed in the freezer. I made some toasty cheese to go with it. We went for a walk before sunset and sat by the creek for awhile. We watched the "Mirror, Mirror" episode of Star Trek. I laughed because I realized I had read so many fanfics of that episode that I couldn't remember exactly how it played out in the original!
When we pre-supported CoNZealand, they gave us little chunks of greenstone to wear. I'm wearing mine today in commemoration of my dream of going there. Worldcon has declared that it will take place virtually, if at all, so I guess I won't be able to take my greenstone back to the land of its birth any time soon.
