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Stamen of Flourish
Aug. 13th, 2021 10:42 pmIt was a nice day today, weatherwise. I couldn't believe how lucky we are, compared to the horrid scorching that so many of my friends are getting--and some of them without benefit of electricity, just to top it off. I went outside and discovered that in a corner of the yard that I had somehow overlooked, a fairly large tree branch had in fact fallen down during the storm. It's not too large for us to saw up ourselves, without recourse to some guy with a chain saw, but it will be a nuisance.
I slept pretty well last night, but somehow I'm not bouncing back the way I'd like to. I don't want to sound as if I'm feeling sorry for myself, because I'm not--I'm just observing--but I feel as if something has just snapped and the last of my fucks have jumped out the window and run away into the woods never to be seen again. It's as if the power outage, in itself nothing, was just the last straw. I don't want to do anything or make any effort, and thinking about it makes me mad. Today we ended up postponing our trip to see Deb and the Prussian. Too many things had gone amiss, and there was a mutual agreement that it would be better to wait for a more peaceful window. I also had to write my niece and my brother and sadly decline the invitation to the baby welcome party for my brother's other child. It's going to be in a park, and they're taking precautions. But I've just heard too many stories of vaccinated people getting COVID under similar circumstances. And there will be unvaccinated children, and potentially some unvaccinated adults, even though the unvaxxed have been politely requested not to come. There are no guarantees. And so I think it's best not to take the risk. Still, it makes me very sad because I long to see family and support them. I doubt myself and fear that I'm turning into an old lady afraid of everything for no good reason. I hate always feeling that I simply don't have enough information for a good decision, and don't know how to get it.
I started editing and formatting my first novel so I can put it up online and give it a kind of afterlife. This summons a lot of feelings, not all of which are things I want to feel right now. I'm sad for the person who wrote that story. She didn't expect any of this to happen. I think she thought this would be a better world.
No doubt I'll wake up one day and stoutly turn my back on all these ruminations. In the meantime, I bought myself some lapel pins. It cheered me up momentarily.
I slept pretty well last night, but somehow I'm not bouncing back the way I'd like to. I don't want to sound as if I'm feeling sorry for myself, because I'm not--I'm just observing--but I feel as if something has just snapped and the last of my fucks have jumped out the window and run away into the woods never to be seen again. It's as if the power outage, in itself nothing, was just the last straw. I don't want to do anything or make any effort, and thinking about it makes me mad. Today we ended up postponing our trip to see Deb and the Prussian. Too many things had gone amiss, and there was a mutual agreement that it would be better to wait for a more peaceful window. I also had to write my niece and my brother and sadly decline the invitation to the baby welcome party for my brother's other child. It's going to be in a park, and they're taking precautions. But I've just heard too many stories of vaccinated people getting COVID under similar circumstances. And there will be unvaccinated children, and potentially some unvaccinated adults, even though the unvaxxed have been politely requested not to come. There are no guarantees. And so I think it's best not to take the risk. Still, it makes me very sad because I long to see family and support them. I doubt myself and fear that I'm turning into an old lady afraid of everything for no good reason. I hate always feeling that I simply don't have enough information for a good decision, and don't know how to get it.
I started editing and formatting my first novel so I can put it up online and give it a kind of afterlife. This summons a lot of feelings, not all of which are things I want to feel right now. I'm sad for the person who wrote that story. She didn't expect any of this to happen. I think she thought this would be a better world.
No doubt I'll wake up one day and stoutly turn my back on all these ruminations. In the meantime, I bought myself some lapel pins. It cheered me up momentarily.
