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SeaAster of Ember
Nov. 21st, 2019 08:54 pmOkay, so that didn't go well. I swear, that damn fleece has been like the plague blankets of depression. Every since I went to that meeting, I've been in the vortex of darkness. I was hungry when I got home, so I ate half a sandwich, and then my stomach hurt. Which didn't help me go back to sleep when I woke up at 4 am after a bad dream about a home invasion that somehow left me feeling it was my fault. I lay awake until 5, and then got up and did nothing constructive whatsoever until it started to get light and the Sparrowhawk came downstairs. After some tea and venting, I went back to bed and slept the rest of the morning away. I woke up just before one pm after another dream, in which we had sold our house and it was turned into a nursing home. My mother still lived there. But when I came back to visit, she was gone, and they wouldn't tell me where she was, or even if she had died, because HIPAA. Apparently she forgot to put me on her list. Again, I felt I was to blame. You don't live here any more, your house has become a nursing home, and you don't know where your mother is. What a lovely way to start the day-again.
It rained all day, and it was dark. SO DARK. It stayed dark all day until it suddenly became night again. I had to light some candles to cheer up the living room. I rescheduled a dentist's appointment and confirmed an eye appointment and called the person who offered to come over and do PT with me tomorrow, to let them know they called the wrong number. I figured out the Christmas gift roster for the kids, which I do every year, and wrote to the Philosopher to ask him to consult his Lovely Friend as to whether she would like to be included or not. I did not write a word of fiction, unless my indignant personal ruminations count as fiction. I knew it was going to rain, so I planned to stay inside and clean up my desk today, but all the sleeping moved that to the back of the list again. The Sparrowhawk made me some delicious whitefish and fried potatoes with broccoli and green beans. It was so good--a bright spot in the day. I had not eaten all day, so it was extra good. I put the fleece into a box where I won't have to look at it and where it won't shit little blue fuzzballs on everything it touches. I decided I'm never going to read any more of Robert McKee. Maybe I could have learned something from that book, but every time I look at it, it afflicts me like a solid brick of misery. Tomorrow has to be better, right?
I listened to Baroque and On the Street for the first time in awhile. Years ago, when I was depressed back then, I used to listen to that album, and it always cheered me up. Happy music for dark days.
It rained all day, and it was dark. SO DARK. It stayed dark all day until it suddenly became night again. I had to light some candles to cheer up the living room. I rescheduled a dentist's appointment and confirmed an eye appointment and called the person who offered to come over and do PT with me tomorrow, to let them know they called the wrong number. I figured out the Christmas gift roster for the kids, which I do every year, and wrote to the Philosopher to ask him to consult his Lovely Friend as to whether she would like to be included or not. I did not write a word of fiction, unless my indignant personal ruminations count as fiction. I knew it was going to rain, so I planned to stay inside and clean up my desk today, but all the sleeping moved that to the back of the list again. The Sparrowhawk made me some delicious whitefish and fried potatoes with broccoli and green beans. It was so good--a bright spot in the day. I had not eaten all day, so it was extra good. I put the fleece into a box where I won't have to look at it and where it won't shit little blue fuzzballs on everything it touches. I decided I'm never going to read any more of Robert McKee. Maybe I could have learned something from that book, but every time I look at it, it afflicts me like a solid brick of misery. Tomorrow has to be better, right?
I listened to Baroque and On the Street for the first time in awhile. Years ago, when I was depressed back then, I used to listen to that album, and it always cheered me up. Happy music for dark days.
