Raccoon of Bluster
Mar. 18th, 2018 10:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ismoI'm in that liminal state where I'm trying to get my next project started, where I noodle around doing "research" and ruminating, and feel as if I'm totally wasting my time. Must have faith that eventually something will sprout from the compost heap and begin putting forth roots and shoots. I want to get some kind of outline in place for a sequel in case anyone wants to buy my book, because there is more to this story if anyone wants to hear it.
Last night, I dreamed i belonged to a tribe that was going to do espionage on their rivals by an elaborate impersonation of a completely different tribe. They put on fake tartans, dyed their hair and dressed it in an unfamiliar fashion, and changed all their traveling gear so it wouldn't be recognizable. As they were ready to ride off on this mission, I looked them over and said to the leaders, "This should go just fine as long as you continue to appear as someone you absolutely are not." Oh dear. This does NOT sound like a good plan. Just a little reminder that my Self demands authenticity.
This morning our minister returned from sabbatical, and there was rejoicing in the land, as well as a lot of music which I played for the first time since getting sick. There was a potluck, and while I tried to avoid the quinoa, I suspect I ate some of it by accident. I think I also ate tofu. It's hard to tell because so many things have turmeric in them, so it's all orange. I saved my stomach by only eating token amounts of anything.
I woke up at 5 and couldn't go back to sleep, so I had to take a nap later on. I think it's probably my mother's situation that is causing me anxiety. I've had a couple of semi-coherent conversations with her recently, thank heavens. Sometimes it's like talking to someone on another planet, complete with static from the interstellar dust, and time delay. At all times, it's like talking to someone who is slightly sideways from the local continuum, and the slippage rate is increasing. She's having some health issues. My heart bleeds when she forgets names and worries over things I can't fix for her. Tonight she said (again) that she gets people mixed up in her mind. She said "Sometimes I think of you as my sister, and sometimes as my mother. And--oh, there was someone else I had you mixed up with, but I forgot." This is heartrending, as well as infuriating, awkward, and sometimes just funny. All The Feels, all mixed up on my plate like a smorgasbord of emotions I'd rather not ever have to have. I told her, "As long as you remember that I am someone who loves you, that's okay with me." She will probably forget I said that, but I hope not.
Last night, I dreamed i belonged to a tribe that was going to do espionage on their rivals by an elaborate impersonation of a completely different tribe. They put on fake tartans, dyed their hair and dressed it in an unfamiliar fashion, and changed all their traveling gear so it wouldn't be recognizable. As they were ready to ride off on this mission, I looked them over and said to the leaders, "This should go just fine as long as you continue to appear as someone you absolutely are not." Oh dear. This does NOT sound like a good plan. Just a little reminder that my Self demands authenticity.
This morning our minister returned from sabbatical, and there was rejoicing in the land, as well as a lot of music which I played for the first time since getting sick. There was a potluck, and while I tried to avoid the quinoa, I suspect I ate some of it by accident. I think I also ate tofu. It's hard to tell because so many things have turmeric in them, so it's all orange. I saved my stomach by only eating token amounts of anything.
I woke up at 5 and couldn't go back to sleep, so I had to take a nap later on. I think it's probably my mother's situation that is causing me anxiety. I've had a couple of semi-coherent conversations with her recently, thank heavens. Sometimes it's like talking to someone on another planet, complete with static from the interstellar dust, and time delay. At all times, it's like talking to someone who is slightly sideways from the local continuum, and the slippage rate is increasing. She's having some health issues. My heart bleeds when she forgets names and worries over things I can't fix for her. Tonight she said (again) that she gets people mixed up in her mind. She said "Sometimes I think of you as my sister, and sometimes as my mother. And--oh, there was someone else I had you mixed up with, but I forgot." This is heartrending, as well as infuriating, awkward, and sometimes just funny. All The Feels, all mixed up on my plate like a smorgasbord of emotions I'd rather not ever have to have. I told her, "As long as you remember that I am someone who loves you, that's okay with me." She will probably forget I said that, but I hope not.
helplessness is the quinoa of emotions
Date: 2018-03-19 05:42 am (UTC)cherish your compost. add as much random plant/idea mass to it as possible. poke it every now and then. you got this.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-19 12:44 pm (UTC)