SandDune of Zenith
Jul. 8th, 2018 09:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ismoFell into a bit of a hole yesterday and was just not happy enough to post. I would like to somehow monetize my despair. It is a thick dark substance at least as powerful as dark matter. I think I'd need a plasma container to bottle it for shipment though. It is my own private singularity. I was telling the Sparrowhawk that one of my problems is that I feel I have to prove myself every day. Every. Single. Day. If one day goes by when I don't have some accomplishment with which to pay off the demons, I lose my right to exist. It's like being perpetually in hock to some supernatural loan shark. The Not-Doing part of enlightenment--that's what I am lacking. I have also requested the Sparrowhawk to restrain me from ever trying to educate people on the internet ever again. It doesn't end well. As Benjamin Franklin said, "Experience keeps a dear school, but a fool will learn in no other." I guess that applies to me as well as them!
Some things that are good: cooler weather. Watering the plants with a hose. Not getting stung by yellow jackets, although they gave me the once-over. Eating a combo of greens from the garden, plus a few from the farmers market, in tonight's stir fry. They were a bit chewy, but delicious. Late strawberries: perfect in every way. Also writing another 800 words, even though they were mostly nonsense and chitchat.
Some things that are good: cooler weather. Watering the plants with a hose. Not getting stung by yellow jackets, although they gave me the once-over. Eating a combo of greens from the garden, plus a few from the farmers market, in tonight's stir fry. They were a bit chewy, but delicious. Late strawberries: perfect in every way. Also writing another 800 words, even though they were mostly nonsense and chitchat.
oh ghod, proving oneself worthy
Date: 2018-07-09 04:56 am (UTC)when did that finally fall away?. maybe cara taught me. or maybe, after caring for her while she was dying, i felt like i had contributed as much to goodness in the world as could reasonably be expected of me, and if i never did another thing, i had done enough.
i hope you can find a way to cut yourself some slack. i bet you don't expect anybody else in the world to earn their oxygen. why you?
no subject
Date: 2018-07-09 09:38 pm (UTC)