RedSquirrel of Sleet

[ismo]

The feeling that I just don't matter is hard to overcome. I know I matter to a few people, but in a larger world, I do not. I'm kind of a large person on the inside as well as outside, and I have more pride than you might think. Also, I have a hard time not revisiting all my decisions and questioning whether they were the right ones. I decided there would be yet another chapter in my memoir, entitled "All the Things I Didn't Say." I guess this would also include all the times I did not punch anyone in the face or break anything. Just as a footnote, I've noticed that other people correct me much more than I correct other people. Strangely, these other people are wrong almost all the time (of course they are!!) but I just bite my tongue and let them be wrong. You'd think they'd take a hint and STOP SPEAKING. But they don't. That's because they think I'm a nice person, and don't realize that I am fully capable of ripping their arms off like an enraged Wookiee. Sigh. This is just a long-winded way to say that I thought too much about the past last night, and had a bit of an inner meltdown.

However, today was a bright new day, and I woke up not caring, which was an improvement. Yesterday we shoveled the driveway AGAIN!! including the packed-down plow ridge left at the end of it. This morning, we were happy to see that only a negligible amount of snow had fallen. We had a happy Valentine's Day. We had pancakes for breakfast and built a fire in the fireplace, and later on, walked up to the woods in the snow. The temperature went up to 43! The sound of icicles melting could be heard, and the sound of the little creek burbling through the ice at its edges. It was nice to breathe some fresh air without freezing my lungs solid. Then we ate pizza and watched an episode of "The Discovery of Witches." I'm enjoying the series. The scenery is gorgeous--mostly Oxford--the cast is well-chosen, and the production is just baroque and over the top enough to be delicious. To me, anyway. So. Many. Meaningful. Glances.

I'm waiting anxiously to hear more about my mother. I was expecting the Duchess to have attended a care conference by now, but maybe she couldn't make it earlier than Friday. I need to ask her if she wants us to come down again this weekend so she can take a break from visiting.

Comments

nobody knows how important they are

[siriosa]

i suspect i was put on this earth to do something, but i don't know what it is, exactly, and i won't know when i've done it. it could be anything: keeping a kid from getting run over, so she can grow up and cure cancer; averting a meltdown that would've led to a mass shooting; giving a suggestion to somebody that ends up resolving the central problem of their life... or i might just be the horrible example. no way of telling.

every now and then i get an email from somebody who's had one of my postcards up on their fridge since 1982, to thank me, because it's helped.

i just have to do the work. it's not my job to know whether i'm important. keep being you, dear one. you're the center of a vast web of affection.

[oracne]

ENRAGED WOOKIEE: A MEMOIR.

Mmm, pizza.

[clevermanka]

I like to think of it as only I matter to the most important people in the world. We are obviously very different people, but the people I matter to are much more important to me than the rest of the world. The rest of the world can go fuck itself, honestly.

[elbales]

You matter to your family and your friends. You matter to the people at your church. And you matter to me. You make a pretty good Point of Origin.